Remember. Love.

* disclaimer...this is an other pretty long note... but i think anyone who believes in love has the potential to appreciate it...also kind of embedded within this note is my "testimony" or my "story"which is personal and somewhat hard to share but i think sharing it is for the best.....stick with me? or read a little bit at a time ? lol. i am incapable of simplifying my thoughts. please be patient with me...i tend to take a long time..but i hope i get the point across well...if not...well. my bad. lol.oh, and thank you to anyone who has ever shown me love. *

“When I open up in song to you, I let out a lungsful of praise, my rescued life a song...”

This morning I woke up and walked down to my aunt Kelly’s basement. I sat on the couch down there, with my bible and my journal and a book by Elizabeth Elliot called “Passion and Purity,” ready to pray and write and read. But instead of doing anything, I just sat there, looking out at beautiful Spain, contemplative. I realized I God has taught me a lot about myself over the years (including that I don’t know myself as well as I thought, and will never cease to learn about myself throughout life.)

In elementary school I learned that laughter, playing and a hug from mom or dad can mend any “boo-boo” I might have. In middle school I found that I have a fairly high capacity for knowledge and am a fast learner, and rarely had to study after I was taught something once. In high school, I realized that I am a very passionate, social person with lots of personality and a love for people. I learned that to me, love is the most important thing in life, because during a really dark time my senior year, love saved my life. My first year of college I learned that going out and drinking with people you love is really fun, helps you forget your problems, and spices up even the dullest moments. Accompanying that new knowledge, I in turn came to find that you can have the most fun, carefree life in the world filled with the most incredible, loving people and still feel like there is something missing inside.

Back in September, I realized just how big of a deal Jesus and His love is to me. I learned I could be comforted by praying to Him. I came to the realization that I’m not perfect but He is perfectly loving and forgiving. I found out that I believe in Jesus because I believe in love, and Jesus loves more than everyone on earth ever has. And in the past month, I have learned that in the past I have longed to be “in love,” the kind of love that overwhelms your heart and induces euphoria. Looking back, I have looked for it in people, especially in relationships with those of the opposite sex, but neglected to realize that the most important relationship to be commited to, the one that can provide the most overwhelming, intoxicating love, is the one you have with God. I have learned that with my passion comes impatience, and a tendency to dive head first into something with all that I am, wanting to learn everything about it and do it to the best of my ability. I have done this with my faith. I want to be as close to God’s heart as possible, and I want to learn exactly the right way to follow Him because I want to “conquer” the whole “love thing” and once and for all learn what love really means, and I want to do it NOW.

WELL. Patience is something I have yet to learn. But its a process I feel like I have started, thank God. As I sat there on that couch in the basement, looking back on life and what I have learned so far, I started to sing to God, thanking Him for patiently teaching me what I have come to know up until now. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I have come to find that singing is one of the ways I channel my passion.)

As I sang, I forgot the world. I forgot my life, I forgot where I was, I just sang my heart out. I sang songs I love to sing at church on Sundays with the band. But the lyrics I have whole-heartedly lead worship with in the past have never been more alive and real to me than in the basement, alone with God, today. I sang words like “In the chaos and confusion I know you’re sovereign still. In the moments of my weakness you give me Grace to do your will...” “Savior I come, quiet my soul, remember...Redemption’s Hill, where your blood was spilled for my ransom...everything I once held dear I count it all as lost. Lead me to the cross, where your love poured out, bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you, Oh lead me, lead me...Lead me to the cross....”

Finally I came to this song (in the lyrics it originally said He, but I replaced He with You, singing directly to God): “You are jealous for me, you love like a hurricane. I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of your wind and mercy. When all of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory...when I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. And oh, how you love us so...oh, how you love us...how you love us so....and Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest...I dont have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way you love us.”In the middle of that song, each word that came out of my mouth started to sound more like a tremble, because I could barely breathe...I felt this insane wave of emotion rushing over my whole body, heading straight for my heart...and when it got to my heart...I burst. I couldnt sing anymore...I couldnt do anything but fall on my knees...I was undone and overcome by this intense sensation, a literal Embrace. Like the song said...I didnt have time to maintain any regrets, any thoughts about details or strife or commitment or effort or intimacy that have been floating around in my brain lately....because I was engulfed in a thought which then lead to many other thoughts... God, how in the WORLD can you love me SO much????

I was shaken by Him, more than I ever have in my entire life. I cried hysterically...sobbing uncontrollably as I thought about how He has truly taken care of and rescued me...not once...but constantly...I immediately thought back to a time in my life where I wasn’t overwhelmed by love but by darkness and pain...a time when was so far from love i considered suicide...but love stepped in and saved me. I drowned the couch in tears as I remembered. (No wonder God always encourages us to “remember” . This is what it lead to.)

I remembered the exact moment I realized that God is love, truly and deeply. I sat there crying and praying to Him, and overtime he comforted me until I was just hiccuping and sniffling, blowing my nose in my shirt because i didnt want to move....I was able to collect myself enough to pick up a pen and write down how I was feeling. I wrote and wrote...(I have a tendency to write LONG journal entries...many of you have experienced that first hand in my last note...and I’m sorry ...I just cant figure out how to be short and sweet! Something I have yet to be taught I guess...Lol)

With each word I wrote down I felt some kind of release...Call it what you’d like... epiphany..revelation...God lead me to a true realization of what the most important thing in life is... And I realized I didnt have to be impatient. I didn’t have to know it all, know it NOW. Because I have love. And as long as I have and dish out love, nothing will ever be missing deep down inside of me, and I will be truly following Christ. (I also realized that a lot of people essentially follow Christ, and not necesarrily voluntarily or knowingly...it’s just because Love is so embedded in our very being from the moment we were created that we cant help to live in love. I feel like before I really knew Christ...I still followed in his ways by the way I valued and shared love.) Sitting there writing to God, I felt complete and satisfied in Love. If I could channel that feeling every second for the rest of my life I dont know what it would do to me. It’d be supernatural for sure. Lol.

After my time in the basement...I went back upstairs to eat lunch with my family. I literally felt like a different person, it was so peculiar. Like I was outside of my body...very weird, but I was ecstatic. My dad noticed that my eyes were all puffy and I was covered in snot...I forgot to change my shirt...thats how out of it I was....just completely drunk, lol (the good kind of drunk...trust me.I have experienced many kinds, and this is by far the best...Should I have kept that to myself? I dont know...haha ) I went to go change, and when I came back, I explained to my family, the whole gang... (my dad, little brother and sister, Aunt Kelly, Tio Juan, and baby Sofia) what happened to me in the basement. (I didnt care if they thought I was insane...I felt compelled to let them in on the drunkness.. cuz thats what drunk people do. lol)

I explained that being in Spain this month with the baby has opened my eyes to so much. Being around a baby is the coolest way for someone to truly experience and understand why God calls us his children. Watching my aunt and uncle take care of the baby, and just the unwavering, heart-consuming love they have for their child reminds me of God. The way they feed and take care of the baby even when she fights them...how she can throw a fit and not want her daddy to hold her and kicks and screams but eventually is quieted and consoled by a loving, patient embrace of a parent. They care for her because she cant care for herself. That is exactly how God is with us, and that Parent-Child connection has never been more real to me than by witnessing a baby being taken care of by her loving parents for the past month.

Something else that’s cool to think about is how sometimes when parents arent able to personally take care of their children they choose a babysitter to entrust with their babies. They place the child in the love and care of someone else...a friend, a family member, a reliable care-taker...someone they know can take care and love on their child while they are not able to personally care for them with their own hands. God also does that with us by choosing to place people in our lives that will show us love. And that is the basis of what I wrote...And I read it out loud to my entire family over lunch...That was interesting.I cried. My dad cried. My aunt Kelly cried. My tio Juan (the Spaniard) and the kids watched us cry. Lol.

As a family, we have experienced a lot together...It was one of those moments in life where time stands still and you just sense the presence of something Greater than you, greater than temporary life. Something you can’t put to words because It is Just Too Big. And its crazy, because my family isnt really what you would call a bunch of saps. My dad and Kelly are very strong people. I was suprised to see them crying. So where the kids and tio Juan. Lol. It was really different, but I have never felt closer to the those people than in that room at that moment.This is what I wrote—its long—and dont expect it to make you cry or anything...its just honest and from the heart... exactly what I was feeling in the basement with God...my family knows a lot more details of my life than most people... especially the relationship I’ve had with my mother in the past...which is I guess what made them (and me) so emotional...but you may find it to be pretty good stuff nonetheless, considering it was inspired by Love)Ok here it is:

God....I can’t thank you enough for what just happened. I havent cried hysterically like that in...well, a while. I just got so overwhelmed by your love. I just can’t help but think about you on the cross, and how you continue to pour your love on us, as if saving us wasnt enough. You love us and give us grace every day, and you never let go of us even when we let go of you to focus on ourselves. I am just in awe of what you have done for me, the countless blessings. And I love how you gently command us to love others and how you tell us that love is what our lives depend on. I think it is because the love we experience from a friend, a family member, or even a perfect stranger points straight back to you, the source and definition of love, even if we dont realize it at the time.You have been my saving grace, and you have done so through the people in my life...through love. Love has always been whats kept me going. It has always been my purpose, my focus. I love love. Lol- ( I felt like Brick just then... I love carpet. I love lamp...hahahh...)

Once I really understood that you ARE love, that you are the source of the most treasured thing in my life, I couldnt help but realize something. Since I believe in love, I believe in you.In my darkest, weakest moments, when I wouldnt reach out to you for help for whatever reason, you used people to reach out to me, and they didnt even know it. There have been countless people that have loved me through life...but I especially think of my parents ...and then the friends that were there for me when I felt like I couldnt turn to my parents... my best friends (Lana, Sarah, Cara, Morgan M, and Garrett.)

My parents have always been a constant, unconditional source of love in my life, even at their points of imperfection...I know you have used them to teach me just how much you love me. Even though I am not his biological child, my dad has been the most influential teacher of love in my life...because he raised me in love. I have learned that its okay to run to my daddy’s arms and bury my head in his chest, crying hysterically and blowing snot bubbles all over his shirt as he holds me, rocks me back and forth, comforting me simply with his presence and embrace. His kind words can comfort and soothe until I am still and in his arms...sniffling and doing that weird fast inhale thing that everyone does after a good cry. (I did that with you today.)

I havent only learned your overwhelmng love for your children from his example of love for me, I have learned a lot more. I go to him not only for comfort but for guidance. He instilled right and wrong deep within me, prepared me to make the right decisions in my life not because he is controlling or doesnt want me to have fun, but because he loves me and wants what is best for me. (It took me a while to learn this but I have come around. Lol.)

The sacrificial love of my mother has taught me a lot about you as well. Even though we have had our ups and downs and at certain points I was convinced she didnt love me at all...I have come full circle and realized that she loves me passionatley, despite her flaws. She gave up everything for me when she gave birth to me at such a young age. She nutured me, took care of me when it was just me and her, even though she was a single mom and scared to death. She found an incredible man to be a father to me, she has always been my number one fan, and has always been on my side. (Very much like you.) My mom has always come through for me even when I didnt deserve for her to—and she put up with my crap when I felt like she didnt deserve my love. (We’ve been through a lot.) She has always had faith in me. The kind of faith that inspires you to actually live up to the great things someone expects from you. The kind of faith that you have in me.

And of course I know that even though my parents’ love for me is extremely strong and constant, and has seen me through my fair share of hard times, I know it is nothing compared to your love for me. (That is somewhat mindblowing. No, not somewhat, pretty much full on mindblowing.) My parents arent perfect. But you are. My parents try their best to do what they think is best for me. But you know exactly what is best for me.

A perfect example of this was my senior year high school, the hardest time in my life so far. No matter how much my parents love me, they are human. They slip up. And that is okay, because my Father in heaven is taking care of me, even when I might be hurting as a result of something my parents have done. The most incredible part about the suffering and turmoil I experienced that year is that you used it for the absolute best. Through my pain you showed me your unconditional love and comfort, even when I couldn’t or didnt want to recieve that love from my parents. And you did it through my friends.

Lana.God, her name alone reminds me of Jesus. (And this is kinda funny considering she is Jewish. Well, Jesus was Jewish...so i guess thats not too weird...whatever, ANWAYS....)You have instilled so much love in her heart, it is overflowing, so much that she can’t help but spill it over onto the people in her life, and I thank you for that. The reason I think of Jesus when I think of her is that it is because of you that I know what love is. You are love. And since she is filled with love, I know she is filled with you. That’s why I can call her my rock...because you, within her, are my Rock. I have always told her that I dont know where I would be without her. In my eyes, she is THE most dependable, constant source of love in my life. You placed her in my life for a reason. In my darkest times, when I was incapable of reaching out to you because I didn’t comprehend you, you reached out to me through Lana. And she has been there through it all, since second grade.

I have gone through my share of ups and downs, chaos and peace, laughter and tears, suffering and joy, etc. Lana has constantly been there for me, showing me love and comfort through it all. I can’t help but think of her when I read this, because she loves deeply from the center of who she is, and your Word teaches to be a good friend who loves deeply, and to practice playing second fiddle...(when i am weak she puts herself aside to be there for me. For example, I recall her driving 45 min to meet me at a “Friendly’s” of all places in a moment of personal crisis.Lol):

“...Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy, share tears when they are down. Get along with eachother. Don’t be stuck up. Make friends with nobodies. Dont be the great somebody. Dont hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got in in you, get along with everybody.” (Romans 12:14-17)

That right there describes my best friend.Along with Sarah, Cara, Morgan M and Garrett...the ones who God blessed me with to be there for me at my worst...They may not know this....but when I honestly was ready to give up on life, they were there. In a time where I felt abandoned and neglected and confused because of particular circumstances with my parents.... through them, God reassured me that I am deeply loved. They provided comfort in a time I just wanted to forget to breathe and get life over with. They all made me laugh, made me cry GOOD tears, and helped my heart FEEL in a time where it so desperately fought to be numb. It is scary to think, but I was ready to end it all. (and that is kind of embaressing now that I look back at it because even the worst times in life are temporary...not to mention I hate being like “hey look how bad i had it, woe is me.”) They don’t exactly know the details, but the love deep down inside of them that they shared with me saved my life. It was then I truly knew that Love is Life.

I love what God says through Paul about love (and simultaneously about Himself) in 1 Corinthians:“ If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but dont love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So no mater what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” (1 Cor 13:3-7)

Some other things Paul writes about love are that it never gives up, that it cares for others more than itself, it isn’t always “me first.” He says love doesnt keep a record of wrongs, puts up with anything, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going till the end. Those words describe Love. (God.) They also describe what is deep within people that love.

Love is God. God is love. Love saves lives.

Incredible.

There is so much more I could write right now, but considering I have gone on and on I will put it to an end pretty soon here. I will conclude with this though: As I look back on every moment in my life, I can see how even though I didnt realize it, God was right there the whole time. Every shared laugh. Every strong, comforting hug. Every ounce of generosity and love that I experienced from people. It was Love that made it possible. I cant help but turn to Jesus Christ and thank him for opening my eyes to what love really is, and that following Him does not mean being a slave to rules, being consumed by cold religion and rituals, or living a boring, constricted, and sensored life. He has shown me that it is about realizing that LOVE above all, has the power to change you and save you and set you free.

Love saved my life. Love is the reason I breathe. Without Love I have nothing.

(and since God is love, you can substitute his name for Love in the statements above.) :)

God in my brain. (regarding love, intimacy, and effort)

* I was fortunate enough this year to hear Francis Chan and Louie Giglio speak at the Passion Conference. They spoke about developing your own theology...truly asking yourself, ok, WHAT do I believe? They encouraged us to take the Word and read it again, this time pretending that we are on a deserted island and have never heard of Jesus and have never been taught what it means to be a "Christian" in our homes or in our churches. They begged us to read the Word and see what WE got out of it and avoid checking our brains at the door when hearing what OTHERS have gotten out of it. They said that, paired with prayer, this would be the best thing that we could possibly do in our walk with the Lord.
Francis Chan got up and actually warned against taking in what he had to say as truth. He encouraged us to go back and pray about what was presented to us that day. So I did, and God showed me a few things...one of which being that I rely a LOT on what I have been taught. I tend to absorb the messages my pastors give and immediately take them in as Truth, instead of processing the information I am being given and having my own original thoughts about it. Learning from the experiences of others is definatley helpful, I am not saying it isn't, but what could be more helpful is learning from experiences of your own. And since I have been applying this to my life, specifically to my faith, I have truly been blessed and my eyes have been opened to a lot.


With that being said...I have been studying the book of Romans for the past couple of weeks...the Lord has recently been leading me from thought to thought...and these are the latest workings of my mind...

***************


"...Convinced that no human being can please God by self-improvement, we believed in Jesus as the Messiah so that we might be set right before God by trusting in the Messiah, not by trying to be good." (Gal 2:16 Msg)

Okay. What do you get out of that statement?

Hmmm. Let's see...
You cant please God by improving yourself...
Believing and trusting in Jesus sets you right before God...
Trying to be good does not...

Seems simple enough, right? :)



Well, I've noticed that, as humans, we tend to complicate what was originally meant to require little effort. For some reason it is difficult for us to comprehend that something can just be simple, without overanalyzing and elaborating it. If anyone is guilty of this, I am, especially regarding the way I live out my faith in Jesus. I tend to ask questions like:

"How can I show God I love Him?"
"How can I please my Heavenly Father?"
"What can I do?"

Of course, those inquiries are well and fine. I'm sure God is by no means disappointed when He sees His children making an effort to show appreciation and love for Him. (He probably thinks it's cute.) I overlooked something, however. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. I tend to forget that accepting and resting in God's love and what He has done for me (through Jesus) is the best thing I can "do" for Him. I have complicated the simplicity of what it means to love God. It's not really about what WE do at all. Its about embracing what HE has done for us.
Something that comes to mind when I think about my previous efforts to show God I love him is the relationship between a young child and his father. (Although somewhat cliché, it always helps me to think of a preschool aged kid and his daddy.) The father's love for his child is so overwhelming, so great, that nothing his child could do could change it. No matter how many times his baby misbehaves, no matter how many fingerpaintings he recieves...that father's love for his child remains the same...neither growing nor fading. And can you imagine a toddler sitting down and contemplating how she can show her daddy that she loves him? She doesn't. She lives carefree in her father's love for her...
We, obviously, are God's children. There is absolutely nothing we can do to cause His love for us to increase or decrease, and there is no need for us to "prove" our love to Him...He knows what is inside the heart HE created, does He not? Like God says through Paul in the book of Romans, it is not about what WE do. God doesn't react to what we do. We respond to what God does. (Romans 3:27-28. Msg) And the response God is looking for from us to what he has done is simple (which means that humans complicate it): embrace His love and trust Him to set us right with Him.
To be honest, this whole concept is so hard for me to accept. Ever since I accepted Jesus into my life I have constantly entertained the "What Can I Do?" mentality. I feel like our relationship is close and intimate when I feel "right" with God (when I am consistant in prayer, when I am least tempted to sin, when I am whole-heartedly "commited.") However, if I am inconsistant in prayer, get distracted by wordly things, give in to temptation, I don't feel "right" with Him at all.
At one point I truly believed that my intimacy with God depended on MY day to day actions and my commitment to him. I believed that if I failed to commit that God would not grant me the intimacy that I so desired with Him. That was heartbreaking for me because I knew that, being human, I am not very dependable, and I am far from perfect. Even so, I began the constant battle and angst with myself of striving to be "commited." I had a list of things to do to show God how commited I was: I made sure to spend a specific amount of time with Him every day...I fasted... I meticulously followed suggestions that were given to me about "boundaries"...and much more...all because I was scared I would lose intimacy with God if I didn't do all of these things to show Him my commitment.
God is most present when we are at our weakest points (for example, when we dont feel "right" with Him due to our "lack of commitment.") Isn't it peculiar that when He is MOST present in our lives we feel the furthest away from Him? I remember reading that promise during a tough time and thinking "Ok God, so if you are most present when I am at my weakest, WHY CAN'T I FEEL YOU HERE???" Similar to Job's friends, and with the best intentions, I am willing to bet that some people would try to console me and spit out what they have been taught (because I myself have done so, to myself...): "Well, God is not promiscuous, and you dont have the intimacy with Him that you desire because of your lack of commitment to Him."
I am learning, however. I have always believed that nothing I do can seperate me from the love of my Father, but for some reason I seperated Love and Intimacy in my mind. However, the Word says that ONCE (yes, I guess that prayer you prayed a while ago does count as commitment...simple...so hard to comprehend...) we accept Jesus into our lives, His Spirit lives and breathes within us and is in constant communion with our spirits, and according to the Word, this is the most intimate part of our lives. So by trusting and accepting Jesus, who is LOVE, into our lives, His spirit comes to dwell within us, and we are in turn granted INTIMACY with the Father through Him. If we can't be seperated from His love, how can we feel seperated from intimacy from Him? These are all questions that have been circulating in my brain for the past couple of months, and I continue to learn...I by no means have it all figured out. But I trust that God does, so I go to Him for lessons.
God is teaching me that in Christ I am always right with Him. (Romans 5:9 Msg, Romans 7:25 Msg.) At first, I couldn't believe this- I definatley didnt FEEL right with God when I felt as though I lacked commitment to Him. He has been patient with me, however, repetitively leading me back to His Word and making it clear to me that I CAN believe it. I have learned that the reason I feel "far" from Him or "not right" with Him, contrary to what I believed, is not by His doing, it is by my OWN. ...when I don't feel intimate with Him it is NOT because he cuts me off from Himself (His Spirit took residence in me when I first committed myself to Him by accepting Him into my life, so therefore intimacy with Him is always accessible.) ***He has shown me that my reason for believing there is a direct correlation between my commitment to God and my intimacy with Him (apart from the fact that it is what I have been taught) was that when I felt "right" with Him it was because I was not clouded by the guilt that comes with feeling the furthest from Him, therefore I was able to feel more "intimate" with Him (his voice was clear...I could easily communicate with Him back and forth...at times I literally could feel his hand on my heart or His embrace...etc.)
When I feel seperated from intimacy with God it IS usually because of my lack of commitment to Him, because, for me, GUILT always follows my lack of commitment. I stop resting in His love and start allowing guilt to form a fog between Him and me. In the fog of my guilt it is almost impossible to see Him reaching out to me. I become distracted by my guilt, so I stop listening for His voice. Instead, I focus my attention on thinking of the things I need to do in order to get "right" with Him again. I cover my own ears and eyes by focusing on what I have done or what I can do instead of what He has done. When the shift of attention goes from God's actions to my actions, I feel the furthest from Him. Meanwhile, He is right there... speaking to me, reaching out to me...more present than ever in my weakness.
If, instead of focusing on trying to stay "right" with my Father, I simply embraced what He has done for me and trusted Him to set things right, I would never feel "far" from Him at all. That thought is reassuring, considering that feeling seperated from God, to me, is worse than suffocating. I'd pray, and not feel that intimate connection (again, not because He was holding out on me but because I was blinded by the fog of guilt I had created between us,) which in turn caused me to pray even less, because, along with being discouraged by speaking to Him and not hearing His response or feeling his comforting embrace, I dreaded the feeling of inadequacy consumed me when approaching Someone so Holy when I myself felt the exact opposite. It would take going to church and participating in heart wrenching worship, or "re-committing"...to feel "right" with God again. That is not what He intended my relationship with Him to be like. And it is ALL because I complicated a SIMPLE concept....
If staying right with God truly depended on our actions we would all be in for some angst. Overtime, humans have proved that we are completely incapable of living out the life God has willed and created us to live. (Romans 3:22-24 Msg.) But the amazing thing is, Jesus did it for us on the cross. He restored us to where we were always supposed to be: in right standing with our Father. I, however, have complicated the beauty of the simplicity of the cross. I was in a constant battle with myself, relying on my own strength to live out a life that would be pleasing to God in order to be in right standing with Him. Of course, I would ask for God's help, but ultimately I believed it was up to me and my commitment.
The Word is filled with guidance from God through Paul to the new followers of The Way that felt as though they needed to take it into their own hands in order to follow God correctly. They were struggling with being slaves to "the Law." But Paul encouraged them to accept God's love and what Christ had done for them and live in the freedom that He died to give them. It is a similar situation today. We have grasped the concept of being free from the law of Moses, however, followers of Christ, especially those fairly new to the faith like myself, tend to make strenuous efforts to please God, to show God their commitment and love. Doing these things can be healthy if done in the right mindset, but they also have the potential to hold someone captive just as the Law held our brothers and sisters captive in the past. What is great about the Word is that it is alive, and relevant, even in our current situation. Through His Word, God encourages us not to rely on our own strength but to simply rest in His love and HIS actions, with the same exact words that were used to put the Romans, Galatians, and many others at ease.
One of my favorite verses is in Romans, chapter 4: " If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your payment; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you workekd—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer Gift." (That..s the Message. I love this translation.) I had read this passage before. I had read lots of passages that encouraged me to please God by resting in His love and trusting Him. I just couldn..t wrap my head around such simple concepts. But the Word continues to reassure me.
Something that I find amazing in this freedom we have been granted with accepting the love of Christ into our lives is the effect it has on us. By accepting His love, we can't help but pour it out onto others. By accepting the fact that no matter what we do we are never seperated from the love of our Father, it makes it easier to forgive others when they do us wrong. We love as we are first loved, we forgive as we have been forgiven. Then the Word truly is alive, as we take God-breathed words and live them out loud with Jesus' help.
Also, once we rely on God to set us right with Him instead of trying to do it ourselves, we are no longer slaves to keeping rules and getting by on our own strength; we can finally breathe and TRULY rest. However, we don't need to go to the other extreme and destroy the very freedom we were given by offering ourselves to living however our flesh desires. Once we have fully understood and begin to live out the simplicity of embracing God and what He has done, one could certainly argue the need to follow any "rules" or "lists" to show commitment at all, but it is quite the contrary. Constantly giving in to selfish desires puts us right back in captivity, again making us slaves to our own will and therefore destroying the freedom that the blood of Jesus has granted us. The more we act and live acording to our own selfish whims, the less freedom we have.
So where does that leave us?
Where is the middle ground between being captive to rules, relying on your own actions to determine whether or not you feel right with God....
....and being captive to your own selfish desires?

I believe the middle ground lies in the love of God.
And when we can rest in His love, we are set right.

Don't take me wrong,I am not encouraging anyone to become a hippy with an "anything goes" philosophy of "Hey, God loves me so I can do whatever I want...freedommmm (cough, cough)." Making an effort to live a life Jesus would be proud of is admirable and I believe it is the right thing to do. I think doing so is a natural response of appreciation and love for our Father and what He has done for us. We call ourselves followers of Christ for a reason. We want to be just like Him, and we make considerable efforts to follow His lead. As a result, we should follow the example that Jesus set and embrace and trust God to set things right. This way, when we fail (and we WILL fail) to live up to the life that Christ lived on earth, we have the love of God personified as Jesus on the cross as a cushion to break our fall. No more worrying. No more "starting over." No more pressure. Our Daddy has taken care of everything for us. So embrace Him, live carefree in His love. :)


"How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love." (Ephesians 1:3-5 Msg)

shhhhhhh.

wow so i havent written for a while! Life has been intense lately, and I havent had any time to sit in front of a computer for minutes at a time. But now I do so here we go!

A lot has been happening lately. It's been hectic.

I turned 20.
(yeah, when i made this blog thing i was actually 19, but i knew i would only be 19 for a few more days, so i just saved myself a step and put "20 year old girman" instead of "19 year old." =] )
Some of my best friends from florida came up to see me. What an adventure that was. Those girls are incredible, and loving, and unavoidably HILARIOUS. I got to spend the entire past weekend with them. :) I really miss the beach, but i miss them more.
So i've had old friends come and visit me and my new friends. That was interesting. Especially when people from your past meet people from your present. It's like youre in the twighlight zone. The world in which my new friends live and the world in florida where my past is combined this weekend. It was really cool.

I've met some new people through Water's Edge, a college-aged ministry i'm involved in. Very cool people that love God. I love them all. A couple in particular.... but i won't write about that just now.

I've been reading A LOT lately.

I'm currently reading

The Shack by William P. Young
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
Captivating by John Staci Eldredge
Closer than your Skin by Susan D. Hill
And the Bible. (3 translations.)

All are unfinished.

I have so much STUFF going on inside my head. New information and teachings and rules and boundaries i have learned, thoughts hopes and dreams, worries and stress about school and my future and eventually marriage....

But everything is suddenly okay when i just think about God and His love.
Everything is put into perspective.
Stresses fade.
Thoughts cease.
And He fills me with a warm, calming peace.

It happened to me today in my car on my drive to school.
I was voicing to Him my worries, thoughts, wishes...and then it was as if he shhhhhed me but in the most loving way. You know how a child is right before they go to sleep? "Mommy, why is the sky blue? " "Daddy, can we go to Mcdonald's for dinner tomorrow, I want McNuggets and a toy!" " HEY GUESS WHAT!!!"
And then mommy or daddy brushes their cheek and says "shhhh. time to calm down." and takes them in their arms and stills them? Pretty soon the child is asleep, tired out by their own energy and comforted in their parents' arms.
God is so like that. In Zephaniah it says that God will quiet you with His love.
mmm. He does.
I was non stop with my words for Him this morning and i felt this overwhelming sensation of love in my chest. He loves us so much. He doesn't want us to worry or stress...he wants us to rest in His love for us and our trust in Him. It's awesome to know that He is so much bigger than our circumstances.
I had a young friend of mine call me that just moved away. She is in high school, and was describing to me the "drama" of the youth group she is now involved in. All it took was for me to simply mention God's love. She went from crying to quiet. She realized that nothing else mattered but her Father and His love for her and those around her. She thought it was me that put her in a good mood. But it wasnt. It was Him.

<3 I love how you can worry and worry all you want but in the end you know God is in control.
So why worry?
Let Him quiet you with His love. <3

making God my sine qua non <3

sine qua non \sin-ih-kwah-NON; -NOHN; sy-nih-kway-\, noun:

An essential condition or element; an indispensable thing.

So I'm one of those dorks that gets the "word of the day" from dictionary.com. (Yeah, I'm okay with that.) Today the word of the day stuck out to me. I had no idea it was part of the English language. It definatley doesn't sound English at all.

Sine qua non.

SIN-IH-KWAH-NON.

Woah.

That's pretty intense.

Well. This word not only stuck out to me because its weird....the definition is pretty cool too. I have been searching for a new word to describe God.

Have you ever felt like you've heard them all before, and you want an even COOLER word to describe who He is to you because all the other words aren't sufficient??? (Like if you know me, you know that I use the word "amazing" a lot. It's just because I dont know any other word that describes something as "more amazing than amazing". )

I do the same thing in prayer and in worship. I search my little brain for words that might describe God, as he watches and chuckles to himself as a father does as he recieves a fingerpainting from his little girl. ("I made this for YOU, Daddy!" awww. how cute.) That's how I feel sometimes with words. Like I'm constantly on the prowl for a new word I could use to describe him because I've used them all before and the ones I've used arent good enough. I know a lot of worship songs, and the use of vocabulary in most songs about our God consists of:

Father, Faithful, Creator, Reining, Beautiful, Lover, Kind, Righteous, Compassionate, Husband, Constant, Savior, etc......

What if we sang to Him as our Sine Qua Non!?!?!?

Our Essential Father. Our Indespensible God.

that would provide for quite the original worship song.

But then as I was pondering this word and its definition, and meditating (if you will) on what it really means for God to be my Sine Qua Non, a bunch of questions came up in my head.

One of them was:

Is God ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to my daily life? If I woke up in the morning, got dressed, went through my entire busy day and went to sleep at night without talking to God, would I continue on, would I be satisfied?

Sometimes I am so busy that I dont give God the time He deserves, some days I dont hang out and talk with Him as much as I want to, some days He is NOT my Sine Qua Non.

But what would happen if each day we woke up and DECLARED to God and ourselves that He is our Sine Qua Non and we can not LIVE that day without Him. That He is INDESPENSIBLE to our day. I think our days would go a lot smoother. I think our relationship with God would be a lot more intimate. I think we would become more dependent on Him.

Sine qua non.

Woah.

That's intense.

<3

thoughts are so weird.

so. i've been inspired to write a blog. i've always wondered what went on inside my pastor's head...and he started a blog not too long ago to put his thoughts on display. i bet a lot more people will be interested in his thoughts than mine....but i think this blog is more for me. Sometimes i think it's important to get your thoughts out on paper (or webpage. ha) so that they transfer from intangible to tangible. When you have something you can hold on to, look at, read out loud...its often easier to understand and organize. And my thoughts definatley need to be organized. I'm in this crazy stage in my life where i'm trying to figure myself out and i'm trying to be me-the woman God created me to be. (there's that dreaded "woman" word again.) But how can i try to be me if i dont know who "me" is? I figure if i can organize my thoughts, get them on paper and read them it will be easier to figure those thoughts out.

Speaking of thoughts, aren't they weird? How is it that we can have a million of them rushing through our head all at once and appear like we are calm and collected on the outside?

And here's a crazy thing...have you ever tried to AUDIT your thoughts? Put them through a filter? I've been trying to do this for a while now and have discovered that it is not as easy as i thought. (ha.) See, i try really hard to follow Jesus. (the key word is TRY.) Well, the thing about Jesus is that He's perfect. And i want to be like him. So essentially the goal here is perfection. (i've learned to always set your goals higher than you think you can possibly achieve. it helps you live out to your full potential.) so in order to be perfect like Jesus i have to not only act like Him but think like Him. not WWJD but WWJT?

Have you ever caught yourself thinking something that doesnt quite line up with the WWJT lifestyle? Like something just ruthless or mean or insensitive or prideful or lustful? i do. it drives me nuts. i HATE those thoughts. And they seem to pop up out of no where sometimes. i try my best to catch them as soon as they surface, but sometimes there are just too many and some slip by unnoticed. It's quite annoying.

Anyways, i'm not exactly sure where i'm going with this(i tend to do that alot.)

I guess my main point is thoughts are SO weird.

And i'm going to try and capture my weird thoughts in this blog for all to see.

:)