Remember. Love.

* disclaimer...this is an other pretty long note... but i think anyone who believes in love has the potential to appreciate it...also kind of embedded within this note is my "testimony" or my "story"which is personal and somewhat hard to share but i think sharing it is for the best.....stick with me? or read a little bit at a time ? lol. i am incapable of simplifying my thoughts. please be patient with me...i tend to take a long time..but i hope i get the point across well...if not...well. my bad. lol.oh, and thank you to anyone who has ever shown me love. *

“When I open up in song to you, I let out a lungsful of praise, my rescued life a song...”

This morning I woke up and walked down to my aunt Kelly’s basement. I sat on the couch down there, with my bible and my journal and a book by Elizabeth Elliot called “Passion and Purity,” ready to pray and write and read. But instead of doing anything, I just sat there, looking out at beautiful Spain, contemplative. I realized I God has taught me a lot about myself over the years (including that I don’t know myself as well as I thought, and will never cease to learn about myself throughout life.)

In elementary school I learned that laughter, playing and a hug from mom or dad can mend any “boo-boo” I might have. In middle school I found that I have a fairly high capacity for knowledge and am a fast learner, and rarely had to study after I was taught something once. In high school, I realized that I am a very passionate, social person with lots of personality and a love for people. I learned that to me, love is the most important thing in life, because during a really dark time my senior year, love saved my life. My first year of college I learned that going out and drinking with people you love is really fun, helps you forget your problems, and spices up even the dullest moments. Accompanying that new knowledge, I in turn came to find that you can have the most fun, carefree life in the world filled with the most incredible, loving people and still feel like there is something missing inside.

Back in September, I realized just how big of a deal Jesus and His love is to me. I learned I could be comforted by praying to Him. I came to the realization that I’m not perfect but He is perfectly loving and forgiving. I found out that I believe in Jesus because I believe in love, and Jesus loves more than everyone on earth ever has. And in the past month, I have learned that in the past I have longed to be “in love,” the kind of love that overwhelms your heart and induces euphoria. Looking back, I have looked for it in people, especially in relationships with those of the opposite sex, but neglected to realize that the most important relationship to be commited to, the one that can provide the most overwhelming, intoxicating love, is the one you have with God. I have learned that with my passion comes impatience, and a tendency to dive head first into something with all that I am, wanting to learn everything about it and do it to the best of my ability. I have done this with my faith. I want to be as close to God’s heart as possible, and I want to learn exactly the right way to follow Him because I want to “conquer” the whole “love thing” and once and for all learn what love really means, and I want to do it NOW.

WELL. Patience is something I have yet to learn. But its a process I feel like I have started, thank God. As I sat there on that couch in the basement, looking back on life and what I have learned so far, I started to sing to God, thanking Him for patiently teaching me what I have come to know up until now. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I have come to find that singing is one of the ways I channel my passion.)

As I sang, I forgot the world. I forgot my life, I forgot where I was, I just sang my heart out. I sang songs I love to sing at church on Sundays with the band. But the lyrics I have whole-heartedly lead worship with in the past have never been more alive and real to me than in the basement, alone with God, today. I sang words like “In the chaos and confusion I know you’re sovereign still. In the moments of my weakness you give me Grace to do your will...” “Savior I come, quiet my soul, remember...Redemption’s Hill, where your blood was spilled for my ransom...everything I once held dear I count it all as lost. Lead me to the cross, where your love poured out, bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you, Oh lead me, lead me...Lead me to the cross....”

Finally I came to this song (in the lyrics it originally said He, but I replaced He with You, singing directly to God): “You are jealous for me, you love like a hurricane. I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of your wind and mercy. When all of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory...when I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. And oh, how you love us so...oh, how you love us...how you love us so....and Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest...I dont have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way you love us.”In the middle of that song, each word that came out of my mouth started to sound more like a tremble, because I could barely breathe...I felt this insane wave of emotion rushing over my whole body, heading straight for my heart...and when it got to my heart...I burst. I couldnt sing anymore...I couldnt do anything but fall on my knees...I was undone and overcome by this intense sensation, a literal Embrace. Like the song said...I didnt have time to maintain any regrets, any thoughts about details or strife or commitment or effort or intimacy that have been floating around in my brain lately....because I was engulfed in a thought which then lead to many other thoughts... God, how in the WORLD can you love me SO much????

I was shaken by Him, more than I ever have in my entire life. I cried hysterically...sobbing uncontrollably as I thought about how He has truly taken care of and rescued me...not once...but constantly...I immediately thought back to a time in my life where I wasn’t overwhelmed by love but by darkness and pain...a time when was so far from love i considered suicide...but love stepped in and saved me. I drowned the couch in tears as I remembered. (No wonder God always encourages us to “remember” . This is what it lead to.)

I remembered the exact moment I realized that God is love, truly and deeply. I sat there crying and praying to Him, and overtime he comforted me until I was just hiccuping and sniffling, blowing my nose in my shirt because i didnt want to move....I was able to collect myself enough to pick up a pen and write down how I was feeling. I wrote and wrote...(I have a tendency to write LONG journal entries...many of you have experienced that first hand in my last note...and I’m sorry ...I just cant figure out how to be short and sweet! Something I have yet to be taught I guess...Lol)

With each word I wrote down I felt some kind of release...Call it what you’d like... epiphany..revelation...God lead me to a true realization of what the most important thing in life is... And I realized I didnt have to be impatient. I didn’t have to know it all, know it NOW. Because I have love. And as long as I have and dish out love, nothing will ever be missing deep down inside of me, and I will be truly following Christ. (I also realized that a lot of people essentially follow Christ, and not necesarrily voluntarily or knowingly...it’s just because Love is so embedded in our very being from the moment we were created that we cant help to live in love. I feel like before I really knew Christ...I still followed in his ways by the way I valued and shared love.) Sitting there writing to God, I felt complete and satisfied in Love. If I could channel that feeling every second for the rest of my life I dont know what it would do to me. It’d be supernatural for sure. Lol.

After my time in the basement...I went back upstairs to eat lunch with my family. I literally felt like a different person, it was so peculiar. Like I was outside of my body...very weird, but I was ecstatic. My dad noticed that my eyes were all puffy and I was covered in snot...I forgot to change my shirt...thats how out of it I was....just completely drunk, lol (the good kind of drunk...trust me.I have experienced many kinds, and this is by far the best...Should I have kept that to myself? I dont know...haha ) I went to go change, and when I came back, I explained to my family, the whole gang... (my dad, little brother and sister, Aunt Kelly, Tio Juan, and baby Sofia) what happened to me in the basement. (I didnt care if they thought I was insane...I felt compelled to let them in on the drunkness.. cuz thats what drunk people do. lol)

I explained that being in Spain this month with the baby has opened my eyes to so much. Being around a baby is the coolest way for someone to truly experience and understand why God calls us his children. Watching my aunt and uncle take care of the baby, and just the unwavering, heart-consuming love they have for their child reminds me of God. The way they feed and take care of the baby even when she fights them...how she can throw a fit and not want her daddy to hold her and kicks and screams but eventually is quieted and consoled by a loving, patient embrace of a parent. They care for her because she cant care for herself. That is exactly how God is with us, and that Parent-Child connection has never been more real to me than by witnessing a baby being taken care of by her loving parents for the past month.

Something else that’s cool to think about is how sometimes when parents arent able to personally take care of their children they choose a babysitter to entrust with their babies. They place the child in the love and care of someone else...a friend, a family member, a reliable care-taker...someone they know can take care and love on their child while they are not able to personally care for them with their own hands. God also does that with us by choosing to place people in our lives that will show us love. And that is the basis of what I wrote...And I read it out loud to my entire family over lunch...That was interesting.I cried. My dad cried. My aunt Kelly cried. My tio Juan (the Spaniard) and the kids watched us cry. Lol.

As a family, we have experienced a lot together...It was one of those moments in life where time stands still and you just sense the presence of something Greater than you, greater than temporary life. Something you can’t put to words because It is Just Too Big. And its crazy, because my family isnt really what you would call a bunch of saps. My dad and Kelly are very strong people. I was suprised to see them crying. So where the kids and tio Juan. Lol. It was really different, but I have never felt closer to the those people than in that room at that moment.This is what I wrote—its long—and dont expect it to make you cry or anything...its just honest and from the heart... exactly what I was feeling in the basement with God...my family knows a lot more details of my life than most people... especially the relationship I’ve had with my mother in the past...which is I guess what made them (and me) so emotional...but you may find it to be pretty good stuff nonetheless, considering it was inspired by Love)Ok here it is:

God....I can’t thank you enough for what just happened. I havent cried hysterically like that in...well, a while. I just got so overwhelmed by your love. I just can’t help but think about you on the cross, and how you continue to pour your love on us, as if saving us wasnt enough. You love us and give us grace every day, and you never let go of us even when we let go of you to focus on ourselves. I am just in awe of what you have done for me, the countless blessings. And I love how you gently command us to love others and how you tell us that love is what our lives depend on. I think it is because the love we experience from a friend, a family member, or even a perfect stranger points straight back to you, the source and definition of love, even if we dont realize it at the time.You have been my saving grace, and you have done so through the people in my life...through love. Love has always been whats kept me going. It has always been my purpose, my focus. I love love. Lol- ( I felt like Brick just then... I love carpet. I love lamp...hahahh...)

Once I really understood that you ARE love, that you are the source of the most treasured thing in my life, I couldnt help but realize something. Since I believe in love, I believe in you.In my darkest, weakest moments, when I wouldnt reach out to you for help for whatever reason, you used people to reach out to me, and they didnt even know it. There have been countless people that have loved me through life...but I especially think of my parents ...and then the friends that were there for me when I felt like I couldnt turn to my parents... my best friends (Lana, Sarah, Cara, Morgan M, and Garrett.)

My parents have always been a constant, unconditional source of love in my life, even at their points of imperfection...I know you have used them to teach me just how much you love me. Even though I am not his biological child, my dad has been the most influential teacher of love in my life...because he raised me in love. I have learned that its okay to run to my daddy’s arms and bury my head in his chest, crying hysterically and blowing snot bubbles all over his shirt as he holds me, rocks me back and forth, comforting me simply with his presence and embrace. His kind words can comfort and soothe until I am still and in his arms...sniffling and doing that weird fast inhale thing that everyone does after a good cry. (I did that with you today.)

I havent only learned your overwhelmng love for your children from his example of love for me, I have learned a lot more. I go to him not only for comfort but for guidance. He instilled right and wrong deep within me, prepared me to make the right decisions in my life not because he is controlling or doesnt want me to have fun, but because he loves me and wants what is best for me. (It took me a while to learn this but I have come around. Lol.)

The sacrificial love of my mother has taught me a lot about you as well. Even though we have had our ups and downs and at certain points I was convinced she didnt love me at all...I have come full circle and realized that she loves me passionatley, despite her flaws. She gave up everything for me when she gave birth to me at such a young age. She nutured me, took care of me when it was just me and her, even though she was a single mom and scared to death. She found an incredible man to be a father to me, she has always been my number one fan, and has always been on my side. (Very much like you.) My mom has always come through for me even when I didnt deserve for her to—and she put up with my crap when I felt like she didnt deserve my love. (We’ve been through a lot.) She has always had faith in me. The kind of faith that inspires you to actually live up to the great things someone expects from you. The kind of faith that you have in me.

And of course I know that even though my parents’ love for me is extremely strong and constant, and has seen me through my fair share of hard times, I know it is nothing compared to your love for me. (That is somewhat mindblowing. No, not somewhat, pretty much full on mindblowing.) My parents arent perfect. But you are. My parents try their best to do what they think is best for me. But you know exactly what is best for me.

A perfect example of this was my senior year high school, the hardest time in my life so far. No matter how much my parents love me, they are human. They slip up. And that is okay, because my Father in heaven is taking care of me, even when I might be hurting as a result of something my parents have done. The most incredible part about the suffering and turmoil I experienced that year is that you used it for the absolute best. Through my pain you showed me your unconditional love and comfort, even when I couldn’t or didnt want to recieve that love from my parents. And you did it through my friends.

Lana.God, her name alone reminds me of Jesus. (And this is kinda funny considering she is Jewish. Well, Jesus was Jewish...so i guess thats not too weird...whatever, ANWAYS....)You have instilled so much love in her heart, it is overflowing, so much that she can’t help but spill it over onto the people in her life, and I thank you for that. The reason I think of Jesus when I think of her is that it is because of you that I know what love is. You are love. And since she is filled with love, I know she is filled with you. That’s why I can call her my rock...because you, within her, are my Rock. I have always told her that I dont know where I would be without her. In my eyes, she is THE most dependable, constant source of love in my life. You placed her in my life for a reason. In my darkest times, when I was incapable of reaching out to you because I didn’t comprehend you, you reached out to me through Lana. And she has been there through it all, since second grade.

I have gone through my share of ups and downs, chaos and peace, laughter and tears, suffering and joy, etc. Lana has constantly been there for me, showing me love and comfort through it all. I can’t help but think of her when I read this, because she loves deeply from the center of who she is, and your Word teaches to be a good friend who loves deeply, and to practice playing second fiddle...(when i am weak she puts herself aside to be there for me. For example, I recall her driving 45 min to meet me at a “Friendly’s” of all places in a moment of personal crisis.Lol):

“...Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy, share tears when they are down. Get along with eachother. Don’t be stuck up. Make friends with nobodies. Dont be the great somebody. Dont hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got in in you, get along with everybody.” (Romans 12:14-17)

That right there describes my best friend.Along with Sarah, Cara, Morgan M and Garrett...the ones who God blessed me with to be there for me at my worst...They may not know this....but when I honestly was ready to give up on life, they were there. In a time where I felt abandoned and neglected and confused because of particular circumstances with my parents.... through them, God reassured me that I am deeply loved. They provided comfort in a time I just wanted to forget to breathe and get life over with. They all made me laugh, made me cry GOOD tears, and helped my heart FEEL in a time where it so desperately fought to be numb. It is scary to think, but I was ready to end it all. (and that is kind of embaressing now that I look back at it because even the worst times in life are temporary...not to mention I hate being like “hey look how bad i had it, woe is me.”) They don’t exactly know the details, but the love deep down inside of them that they shared with me saved my life. It was then I truly knew that Love is Life.

I love what God says through Paul about love (and simultaneously about Himself) in 1 Corinthians:“ If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but dont love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So no mater what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” (1 Cor 13:3-7)

Some other things Paul writes about love are that it never gives up, that it cares for others more than itself, it isn’t always “me first.” He says love doesnt keep a record of wrongs, puts up with anything, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going till the end. Those words describe Love. (God.) They also describe what is deep within people that love.

Love is God. God is love. Love saves lives.

Incredible.

There is so much more I could write right now, but considering I have gone on and on I will put it to an end pretty soon here. I will conclude with this though: As I look back on every moment in my life, I can see how even though I didnt realize it, God was right there the whole time. Every shared laugh. Every strong, comforting hug. Every ounce of generosity and love that I experienced from people. It was Love that made it possible. I cant help but turn to Jesus Christ and thank him for opening my eyes to what love really is, and that following Him does not mean being a slave to rules, being consumed by cold religion and rituals, or living a boring, constricted, and sensored life. He has shown me that it is about realizing that LOVE above all, has the power to change you and save you and set you free.

Love saved my life. Love is the reason I breathe. Without Love I have nothing.

(and since God is love, you can substitute his name for Love in the statements above.) :)